Hey Unk? Podcast
Ever want to ask your favorite Uncle for advice or help but couldn't? No worries, we got you!
Hey Unk? Podcast
Daddy Issues
In this episode of the Hey Unk Podcast, the hosts delve into the complexities of fatherhood, sharing personal stories and reflections on their very different relationships with their fathers. They explore early memories, the impact of conversations, and the lessons learned from their experiences. The discussion also touches on the challenges of absentee fathers and the regrets that come with missed opportunities for connection. Ultimately, the hosts emphasize the importance of being present in their children's lives and the need to repair and build relationships while there is still time.
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Hey, what's going on? Hayln fam, welcome back to another episode of the podcast. As always, I'm your Uncle Shannon. I'm joined by my brothers. Uncle Mark Atwater, hey, hey, hey, uncle Stuart McDade.
Speaker 2:What's up?
Speaker 1:You know, we're here with a very special episode today, one that is very near and dear to all of our hearts. We're really going to dive deep into fatherhood. What does that mean for us? What were our experiences with our fathers, both the biological and the father figures in our lives, and how that shaped us as men, as fathers, as brothers? So this conversation may get tough in parts, because we do want to be as open and honest about those relationships as we can, to give you a real view of what life is really like. So strap in, get your favorite beverage and welcome to another episode of the hey Unc Podcast. This is Daddy Issues. What up, fellas?
Speaker 3:What's up? What's going?
Speaker 1:on. I don't know it. I don't know it.
Speaker 3:It's great to be back with my peoples.
Speaker 1:It is. It's good to see you, brother.
Speaker 2:We've been on a hiatus man for a minute yeah.
Speaker 1:Somebody on the schedule?
Speaker 3:has been off and gallivanting. I had some things I needed to work out okay. Somebody's, you know, I got things working out Like Just life man.
Speaker 2:Oh You're here. I mean we're being real and authentic.
Speaker 3:We are being real and authentic at this point in life. Oh, okay, great talk.
Speaker 1:I do know y'all got a lot going on, both your babies getting married. Yes, lord, which is crazy, yeah, and I don't know how. Y'all's daughters getting married and I'm the one that's getting broke. I don't know how that work out. That's because you're the great uncle.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know what was that to you? The fun uncle.
Speaker 1:That's right, the fun uncle that is me.
Speaker 2:When they want to have fun, because in order for them to do these things, they want to be cloaked properly. And you know to do that is for the fun, uncle, that.
Speaker 3:That's right. Who better to go see?
Speaker 2:Look at your exquisite taste. Who else are we going to rely on?
Speaker 1:I ain't going to lie. I love it. We know you wouldn't have it any other way. I would not have it any other way. Yeah man, me and my baby out in the world, saving lives now Empty.
Speaker 2:nester Full fled lives now Empty nester, empty nester. Full-fledged, full-blown empty nester.
Speaker 1:Yes, sir, my house so damn quiet, it's crazy, it is crazy.
Speaker 2:I get it on a part-time basis, yeah.
Speaker 3:So do I.
Speaker 2:They still in and out, so I might get a flash of it for a five days, but somebody always figure out alright, they can't have a whole weekend too.
Speaker 3:Right, we can find some people to come over to your house. No, no, no, okay, you sure I'm perfectly fine. Okay, right, perfectly fine. Got a couple little ones running around.
Speaker 2:Ain't no party like a fuller party. That's right, because the fuller parties don't stop.
Speaker 1:Although I am mad I ain't seen my nephew in like two weeks bro. Hey take that out with the D's. I ain't seen my nephew in two weeks and that ain't right. He going to be a grown man before I saw him.
Speaker 2:I saw a picture of him. He got a little mustache girl, see, see, that's what I'm talking about. I'm going to see him in the morning, buddy.
Speaker 3:I can't love my grandson, all right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, anyway, we're going to dive into this topic again. It's very near and dear to our hearts and hope you find some common cause in this conversation and maybe trigger some conversations you need to have with your father, or maybe with your kids, depending on what your relationship is. I want to start off, stu. What are those earliest memories that you have of your father?
Speaker 2:I'm glad you asked. I've given that some thought and I learned something in just a little bit of time as I thought about that.
Speaker 2:So when we were young and it was just me and mom and pop, we lived with my grandmother. One night pops come home and decides to and I'm like two years old and if I get this wrong, mom, I'm bad in terms of the age but pops decided we going to share beers. We going to share beers. I'm sure it didn't quite go down that way, but maybe I was restless or whatever the case may be, but you needed to sit with the callers.
Speaker 2:Rob Markman. I got some beer and I'm drunk and I fall off the top bunk because you know that's how we were sleeping Hit my head the whole night as I think over my life, and when I actually started drinking on my own will, on my own accord, I would go hard. Because not only did that incident happen, pops, he'd go out, come back, he'll crash at the crib and he got that middle of high life right between his legs that he just opened. So my younger brother and myself would go grab it, take turns and we'll put it back. It'd be full when we grab it, empty when we put it back, so he would think he drunk it and he was none the wiser Never. So we did that often as we were kids. That's not all my pop did, let's be clear.
Speaker 3:Let's make this clear.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's what we did in the early times. I mean, besides, that pop worked a lot, so I don't really remember doing traditional or what we perceive as traditional go outside in front of the house and toss the ball, kind of stuff but he did show up once we started playing sports.
Speaker 2:He was taking us back and forth to practice and eventually became a coach. He was my coach in particular first, and that's when we started really really bonding, Connecting yeah and he. We would talk about things a little bit more so than before. So I guess we were getting old and he felt like we could handle some type of conversation.
Speaker 3:So your question is related to biological father.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:So for me it would have to be again. My father and my mom were not together. I mean, I was two years old when they separated, so it probably had to be about six, between four and six. And you know, I was at my aunt's and he showed up in this nice Impala it was a convertible and he wanted to take me for a ride and I just thought that was the coolest thing. But outside of that that was all I really remember of him. He's incarcerated, you know. So we'll get into that. But yeah, we reconnected later in life and whatnot. I'll share that a little later on, but that's my fondest beginning memory of him.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah, and my earliest memory, and I remember it because it was a traumatic time in my life. I was four years old and me and my cousin Sean were in the front yard of my grandma's playing, as we always did because we were inseparable.
Speaker 1:In those days we were more like twins than we were cousins, inseparable in those days we were more like twins than we were cousins, and to a certain extent my cousin Kurt too, the three of us we would think as thieves. And I remember seeing this dude pull up in a white Lincoln Continental Mark IV, white leather interior, all of that nice ride, big daddy. And these two guys get out, they walk up the steps of grandmas and hey, where your mama? Who are you? What do you want with my mama?
Speaker 1:right, yeah, I didn't play them games back then right, uh, well, come to find out that was my dad and they had been talking. And a couple days go by, they get married. So apparently they've been talking this whole time. I didn't know. Well, the ramification of that is they get married, we're all moving to West Virginia Now. At that time, all I knew was my granddad and my uncles yeah, that was it. And me and my cousins would roll. That was my whole world. And now you're telling me I'm out of here, that I got to go somewhere where I don't know nobody. Wow, Bruh, the pictures from the wedding were hilarious, and they are still hilarious to this day Because it was a double wedding.
Speaker 1:My Aunt Cindy got married too, and the wedding was at the Nile the club right. So me and Sean were ring bearers in the wedding. Now, every single picture of us in this wedding. We are pissed because I knew that I had to leave, so skip forward. We in the car about to leave and my uncles always tell the story and it's funny now, but I'm in the back window of the car. When car seat didn't, nobody use seat belts back, then either.
Speaker 1:Fair old kids, the 70s I done jumped up in the back window of the car and I'm hitting on the glass, crying, screaming, that I don't want to go.
Speaker 3:That man's white car. That's right, you hear me, you mess up that man's white.
Speaker 1:Man, the hell with that car. My whole world was coming to an end and my uncles always say that was the first time they saw my granddad cry. That's big.
Speaker 2:We weredad cry, that's big.
Speaker 1:That started off our relationship. It started off rocky and it didn't ever get much better.
Speaker 1:It was a challenging relationship, to say the least. We'll get into that a little bit more as we go on, but yeah, that that was my earliest kind of memory of my father and some of those experiences really do shape who you become, because for a long time, even though when we moved to Wheeling I made lifelong friends, I have friends that I grew up with in Wheeling and I still love them to this day. Our next-door neighbors were the Stradwick family. They are my family right to this day and we still visit, we go see each other, we celebrate and mourn together. So some good came of it. But that whole situation really shaped our relationship from the beginning.
Speaker 2:I don't think.
Speaker 1:I ever got past that Wow.
Speaker 2:How long were you guys, there?
Speaker 1:I was there for four and a half years but I would come back to North Carolina every summer and then I remember this was right before fifth grade. I always remember because of school I was down here in North Carolina. I was at my grandparents' house me and Hoss sitting on the couch watching Westerns on a Saturday afternoon you know how it go and I think I was due to go back in a couple of weeks. I look at my grandfather and I said Granddad, I don't want to go back. He looked at me and said Okay, and I never went back. I didn't end up going back to Wheeling until I think I was 16.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I had to be because I drove, you drove, yeah, I didn't. So I came back down to Northern Alabama when I was 10. And then, probably two or three years later, they broke up and my mom ended up coming back with my brothers and sisters. So, yeah, that was I mean, bro. Even a couple of times I ran away. They called me at the bus station, bro, the bus station, the bus station. Eight years old, I'm at the bus station. I'm out of this piece.
Speaker 3:What is going on?
Speaker 1:Bro, you got to understand. You go from being king of the world, I'm the first grandson in my family.
Speaker 2:I get it.
Speaker 1:I got the first grandson in my family. I get it. I got all these uncles, great to everybody. So I had it made to go in somewhere where I not a cousin, not one.
Speaker 3:That's a lot. Yeah, I went from being spoiled to just old, regular knucklehead Okay.
Speaker 1:Bruh, it was rough. Yeah, if it hadn't been for Mika and Terrell and a few other key people in Wheeling, that time would have been miserable. Hmm, yeah. So how did your relationship, especially when your relationship changed and you and your dad started talking a lot more yeah, how did that start to shape you? Did the relationship change when y'all started having those conversations?
Speaker 2:It did, but not it wasn't like monumental movement, I mean because, again, I grew up blessed. I mean, that's just the bottom line. My dad was just a dude. He worked hard, meant a few words. So when we did, I mean I was just happy to have the time to where I felt like, you know, we could appreciate each other. You know it wasn't like life lesson type stuff, it was just more of an appreciation for being able to spend time with the person who I look up to the most, and well, my brother and I, because we both planned sports together. So it wasn't really the one-on-one time, it was just a time that we had with our pop and that was just some priceless stuff for us. And to watch him, especially as my coach find his biases towards his son, that was priceless. And then you know, if I score a touchdown and I come off, he never said anything but he always pat me on the shoulder that he didn't even have to say nothing.
Speaker 1:That was all I needed right there, that affirmation.
Speaker 2:He gave me exactly what I needed, needed the way I needed it at that time. So, yeah, those and obviously I'm still talking about it, so that sticks with you for a lifetime. So then you know we progress, we get a little bit older, you know you start getting into the driving phase and you know. Then you're having different conversations. My mom was a mechanic, so I learned at an early age to make sure I took care of my car. So those are the things or the values that I got Hard work, taking care of your family. We never wanted or needed for anything. Pops always made sure we had everything we needed and most of what we wanted. We stayed in the projects. We had go-karts, mopeds, we had all the latest games.
Speaker 3:I mean we ate out, yeah you was living it like it was. I didn't know. I was living in the projects.
Speaker 2:And we probably shouldn't have been, which turns out when I found out we wasn't supposed to be. But my dad was always a hustler, right, wrong or indifferent. It wasn't always above board, but he was always doing it. It wasn't doing it for, but he was always doing it in the. It wasn't doing it for self gratification.
Speaker 2:He was doing it to make sure that we always had, and we always had enough or more than enough. In most cases, fridays we knew there was no cooking in the house, we going out to eat, so yeah, so interesting.
Speaker 3:So, as for me, I had to get that from somewhere else without my pops, and I got that from my Uncle Gus. I hope everybody got an Uncle Gus out there, Because you know quick name the man, the legend, Uncle Gus, yeah he filled in some gaps for me at a younger age. Quick story on that is I had a time where he took us to this lake to go fishing, had him a young lady with him. Of course, you know I took the cousins.
Speaker 2:He's Uncle Goose, that's right.
Speaker 3:So you know we're having a good time and we're getting ready to go. We're, you know, kind of getting our stuff together. He had a bottle of wine. He liked to drink his wine, so me and my cousins decided we're going to sneak. He was like, wait a minute, what y'all doing, don't worry about it, drink as much as you want. We like ate at the most, enjoy yourself. And your boy thinking he the man, four, four glasses, crushing Y'all. It wasn't even 45 minutes, good, until that ride. And I'm back there, oh, I'm spinning and I'm trying to throw up and he's sitting, he's driving. He turned around and looked at me and just bust out laughing my cousins. They just tipsy, your boy tore up. We get back to the house and Gary to drop us off. My mama's like what the hell is wrong with him. I'm like, oh, he drunk Boy. She went off on my uncle. But the lesson that came out of that, the lesson from that, was your boy went fooling with no alcohol.
Speaker 3:It took until I had to be about 16. But the point is thanks to this guy, but nevertheless, what? Yeah, man?
Speaker 2:Fun uncle. That makes sense.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was the only time he had dropped off on the porch.
Speaker 3:Okay, hold on, let's stick to the stories now, however. But yeah, but just a lot of different lessons. He took me to my first R-rated movie, see Stripes. I thought that was just the funniest thing ever. I mean, my uncle was more than that. I mean, he gave me a lot of different lessons, but he just allowed me. He's a fun uncle. He let me do things as a little kid. You want to do Kid? That was in the 70s, 80s, right, right, uncle, you want to do?
Speaker 1:you know, kid, it was the 70s, 80s right right, yeah, so, uncle, now with you being in atlanta, how connected were you with your biological dad, did you?
Speaker 3:even know what was going on, no, sir. So, uh, going back to what we was talking about before he ended up getting incarcerated, um, for things uh didn't know about, I did have an opportunity to go visit him. I actually, as we said here, I remember there is a picture of myself and him as he's incarcerated. He spent a lot of time in jail and my mom was basically. She was mom and dad growing up. Whatever sports she would fill in the gap for me, you know, when my uncles, when my uncle couldn't. So, um, uh, yeah, so we didn't really spend a lot of time and I didn't really get to know who he was until later on, kind of fast forwarding, my mother remarried and we ended up coming back to Winston.
Speaker 3:I'm still trying to get the name, get to know the neighborhoods and everywhere you know around. And I'm out walking one day and I'm still trying to get to know the neighborhoods and everywhere around. And I'm out walking one day and I'm walking past this house and I'm like I've seen this house before but things just look familiar. So I keep walking. Well, there's this guy standing out on the porch and he's looking at me and I'm looking at him and I kept saying why this guy keep looking at me, looking at me, and I'm looking at him and I kept saying why this guy keep looking at me, you know, and he calls my name and I'm like, okay, who is this guy? So, the closer I some reason, I just felt compelled to turn around and come back. It was my dad on the front porch. Yeah, he's on the front porch.
Speaker 3:And just for I was 14 years old, moving back, wow. And of course my grandmother was also just so elated to see me and everything. And it just kind of started a relationship with my whole side of the family. And if you know anybody in Winston, you know Atwood, we rode deep. So it was really great to see another side of just family I didn't even know about. So that was pretty cool. You know what I mean. And just to fast forward, we got a little bit of time together, hang out or whatever. And on my way to kind of fast forwarding, he had to go back to jail but then he got out and, starting on my getting ready to go into my senior year, he called me up to his place and said man, I messed up. He took responsibility and he said I messed up my parole. I got to go do three years and I was like all right, that's cool, we'll reconnect and so forth. Yeah, he ended up. He never came out, passed away, wow.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so as you think about that, how did that affect you as a teenager?
Speaker 3:It's funny. I didn't realize the impact of it Until I started Kind of hanging out around you. What do I mean by that? The way your uncles were, the way the family was, and although Let me backtrack my stepdad was really cool. He was cool. If I needed something I can ask him, but it wasn't. I was at this point, my shape, my years, you know what I mean. But until I got around your family and and just started seeing different things on how you guys interacted, I was like okay.
Speaker 3:I realized, oh my goodness, I didn't have all of that growing up. You know, again I got more. I mean I have a few other uncles and it wasn't no doom and gloom.
Speaker 3:I just didn't know. It never crossed my mind until that occurred. You know what I mean. So, shaping me, it impacted me big time because as I became a father, you guys, sometimes I could have conversations with you all, and particularly you and Stuart, and I would get a whole different version of how I should think about things, and that came from how you all were shaped by fathers. You know what I mean. So, yeah, I didn't think about it like that.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, it was very impactful. And, Stu, the way you grew up you had somebody in the house that was a good example for you, somebody in the house that was a good example for you. What have you taken from your dad? That has kind of shaped what kind of father you are today?
Speaker 2:Oh, I know exactly what that is. First of all, I work a lot. I emulate that, not that I was trying to, but I find myself just obsessing with work, and I learned that when my father was not the most participative what's the word?
Speaker 3:But he wasn't as present. There you go.
Speaker 2:Because he wasn't participating in the family dynamic. My father didn't have money, or his money was funny, I guess I'll put it that way. It's not that he didn't have it. It was tight and I figured out that when my money got tight I get the same way. I don't want to do nothing. I shut down because I don't want y'all putting me in a situation where I can't do something, and the most frustrating thing as a man with a family is when you can't do something.
Speaker 2:I'd rather choose not to do something because it's not in our best interest. But when I can't and as a man you can't say that, you can't say we can't go because I don't have the money it's just no one quit asking me. So it's very stern, very shut down, because you're still trying to figure this out. What am I going to do to fix this? Which is how my pop ended up doing. Sometimes he'd do some things that were not above board, but again when I say that it's all in the best, interest.
Speaker 1:Make a way when there ain't no way.
Speaker 2:Exactly so. I've been there and I've done that and I've responded exactly like he did, but he always figured it out. Yeah, so, and that's the one thing that I feel comfortable enough to say, that I always figure it out. Now when did you?
Speaker 1:realize this about your mom.
Speaker 2:I didn't know it when I was experiencing it, but it took conversations with my mom. She called it out. She said when your daddy money get funny, he shut down. I was like God to be more careful. Now I know Because working has just been a part of my life for a very long time. When I first got my car I didn't have a job, so my dad would take me to work with him, right? So then you know he had a couple of different businesses. They come from my granddad. We always had like a janitorial service. To this day we still have a janitorial service. I'm just here and not able to help, but I clean like three buildings myself as a junior in high school. Okay, so that was how I was able to earn money for the car that I had put gas. You know he didn't give me money, like he didn't pay me like a salary, but he gave me money as I needed it. So as long as I as I did that, we were always in good graces. I remember this one thing.
Speaker 2:My dad was my dude too, and I'm going to give you an example. I told you about the drinking stuff. So you know, in high school, you know we dabbled in drinking. I get caught, I get pulled over. I wasn't drunk, but I was drinking and I was speeding.
Speaker 3:There's a lot of gray area there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, I probably felt inclined to speed because of the drinking, Don't get me wrong, but I was not drunk. I can still remember that vividly. I can still remember that vividly. So I'm going down this road in my hometown and I get pulled over. So now I got to go to court. They take me downtown, so I call my pops. My mom worked there a shift, so I called pops. I'm like pops. I got pinched and he was like what happened.
Speaker 2:So I told him he was like all right, I'm coming to get you. So he came and scooped me up Out of his own mouth. I ain't going to tell your mama Great idea Pop.
Speaker 3:Oh my God, Great idea.
Speaker 2:So fast forward. A month later, you know the court date come off course. I'm starting my senior year of high school. Right, go to court, you know. Persecute myself in front of the judge, and he didn't ask for my license.
Speaker 1:So if you don't ask.
Speaker 3:I don't give it to you right.
Speaker 2:So we leave court me and Pop in essence. Alright, son, go back to school, see you at the house. I'm going back to work. So we get home, my Pop, get home before me and my house is situated where you can park in the driveway or you can park up behind the house. I always parked up behind the house. They parked in the house. I always parked up behind the house. They parked in the driveway. I pulls up. Look at the back door. My pop come to the door and he was like she know, I turned my music up when he uttered that. I mean because I could read his lips saying she know, right, that's just for the audience and you knew exactly what he was talking about.
Speaker 1:Oh, I knew exactly what he was saying, what he meant. I didn't know how.
Speaker 2:But I knew she know, because it's the same day. I cranked the music up, I slumped back in my seat. I'm like here come the smoke. So I knew I couldn't sit up there forever. So I just finished my song out, went on in the house and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, because she was more pissed at Pop than she was at me. So he took the brunt of it.
Speaker 3:Exactly.
Speaker 2:And he wore it like a champ, that's all right.
Speaker 3:What song was playing, do you?
Speaker 2:remember. I do not. I wish I could tell you, but I cannot, and it wouldn't have mattered, of course.
Speaker 3:I was just curious.
Speaker 2:I couldn't even focus on the song. I'm still like, because my mom was more of a disciplinarian than my pop. She was ruthless, she was a puncher. It didn't matter, because she had boys. That's right, so she had to be. She said they not going to run over me, yeah, and she is super religious. So you know that was she was. She was stirring with it. She did not spare the wrong. The rod was not spared.
Speaker 3:I'm curious though I got a question for you stewart the things that. What did you learn? What would you do differently in your own house? Some of the things that you learned.
Speaker 2:You know that you were taught, been a little more flexible in the beginning. Um, even though I didn't have boys, I still wanted to raise strong girls and I just felt like I saw what I saw from both parents. So I tried to use a combination of wanting to be present. I wanted to be the disciplinarian, but also worked a lot. Sometimes I was going too much. So finding more of a balance and listening a little bit more, because you know you don't. When we came up, yeah, it wasn't, no. Well, why right?
Speaker 1:yeah, right right so and I do feel like we were that transitional generation for sure, right, no doubt because, for us coming up.
Speaker 1:If you demand, your job is to go make money. That was your job. Be the disciplinary, go make money, make sure the house is straight, right, right. And I think so many of us got caught up in that, especially for us, because a lot of us first generation college, you know. So we're trying to make our way in corporate america, make a name for ourselves, build careers. All all of this stuff and a lot of those things do get sacrificed. You know, for me, I remember, you know, for much of my career I've traveled a lot and traveling internationally. And I remember, I think Naya was 12 or somewhere in there and I was headed back out, you know, going overseas for a couple of weeks, and she looked at me and said you're leaving again and I hit, bro, when you talk about, broke me down to my core.
Speaker 2:And she said that yeah.
Speaker 1:And you could see the pain in her face because her dad was leaving again. So yeah, after that I had to change jobs, I had to come off the road man and I still do travel and I've traveled throughout as she was growing up. But yeah, at that time time I was gone to maybe three weeks every other month but it was good that you had the opportunity to slow it down, and it was it was, but it's that double-edged sword too right, because I was rolling, yeah right, making plenty, but is that everything?
Speaker 1:You know and you don't want to be not present in your kid's life, and a phone call every night to say goodnight does not substitute for sleeping in the same house.
Speaker 2:It just doesn't.
Speaker 1:It does not.
Speaker 3:It doesn't, it does not, it doesn't. And for me, just trying to be a disciplinary all the time, constantly. Yeah, I was such a disciplinary, and to do it all over again listening would have probably been. You know, if I'd have done that more.
Speaker 1:There's a lot of things. I won't change but at the same time there are things that the outcomes could have been handled differently you know, you know, as I think back on it, right, because with my dad and my dad passed away in 2018, and I'll set this story up by talking through how that all went down After my mom came back, a couple years later, he moved back to North Carolina as well. They had gotten back together for a few years, but then they were breaking up again and he went back to West Virginia.
Speaker 1:We had never really repaired our relationship to the point where my grandfather sat me down one day and, because I hadn't even gone to my mom's house in months when he moved back in, didn't even go down there at the time I didn't realize how much that was hurting my mom. I know now, as I've grown up, but my gran had forced me to go around there and try and spend time with him.
Speaker 1:But, the thing I could never wrap my head around and I think it did shape me as a father, and I think it did shape me as a father was why was he not willing to do whatever it takes to take care of his family?
Speaker 1:and I say it like that, because anybody that knew my dad knows he is a genius. Yep, he was a. I enjoyed every bit of him and he was. He was funny, he was very charming, but he was legit a genius. My dad was a two-sport athlete at Wake Forest, played football and baseball, full scholarship and I always remember the story that they would tell about him about how smart he was. He was behind in one of his classes, being a dude right and he hadn't been going to class.
Speaker 1:So in order for him to play baseball that season, they said you got to pass this class, or you can't play. He ain't been to class all semester. He goes in and aces the exam and passes the class.
Speaker 3:He ain't been to class.
Speaker 1:All right, but he's opened the book up. Okay, I'm good and to never live up to that potential, and I never understood that. So, for me, that's what drove me. I knew I was going to be something. I knew I was going to be somebody, because I wasn't going to be the person that couldn't do.
Speaker 2:I wasn't going to be the person that couldn't provide right.
Speaker 1:And it was later in life, the year before he died, I had a conversation with my Uncle, mike, because Naya had been born, you know, but she had never met him. So I'm trying to wrap my head around that and my daughter doesn't know her grandfather. Do I suck it up and try and repair the relationship so my baby can know her?
Speaker 2:granddad, all of this.
Speaker 1:So I'm talking to my Uncle Mike. Mike breaks it down for me. Either you have to let it go and accept him for who he is today or just break off any contact you can't keep living with that anger.
Speaker 1:That's right, because it will never be able to progress. Nope, and that made a lot of sense to me. Now fast forward. Me and my two brothers were like, okay, look, this summer let's take some days off. We're going to go. Because at that time he was living in Lorain, ohio, with his side of the family. I said, and we all agreed, we're going to take some time off, we're going to go up to Ohio, we're going to spend some time with you.
Speaker 1:Not a month, month and a half later, after we said we were going to do that, I get a call from my Aunt Phyllis. He died, so I never really got the opportunity to see if we could build that bridge and repair our relationship. Now I still struggle because and y'all know me better than anybody if I'm ever at a point where I can't do for my baby, I will never be there, right, and she's a grown woman. I don't care, she called me today. She needs something, she's going to get it Right. Right, and to see my own father not have that same mentality when I know he was capable of it.
Speaker 3:I think it was more to it than that, though.
Speaker 1:And this would be good because you had that outside perspective.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean your father was a great man. Great man. I just think you know whatever his for lack of better terms his demons were, that he dealt with, they were a lot for him and I just really feel like I hate you didn't get that opportunity. But had you got that opportunity you probably would have learned, you know, something that man as men stuff that we go through as men all the time he just couldn't overcome whatever that was. That doesn't make it and I know this is not fair, because I get what you're saying.
Speaker 1:There is nothing that I can't overcome for my baby, correct. So, I can't understand how me and my brothers were not enough for him to overcome whatever his demons were.
Speaker 3:So that's a bigger thing you're dealing with right there. You're dealing with something that you never deal with. I know I understand. That's what.
Speaker 1:I can't wrap my head around and to this day, I'm sure you can hear it in my voice it frustrates the hell out of me Because I can't wrap my head around it, and to this day, I'm sure you can hear it in my voice it frustrates the hell out of me Because I can't understand.
Speaker 2:But you have to take the good that came from it. Yeah, Because without that frustration do you have that drive. And that's the flip side of it it did shape me into the person I am so granted. Nothing is going to be cut and dry, peaches and cream. I got full understanding. You can even turn and look internally and say, hey, within my own life there's some things I still cannot grapple with yeah you know what I'm saying, that you deal with daily sometimes and it just don't make sense yeah so.
Speaker 2:But what do we do we? We get up and we go through the best that we can with the stuff that we can control, and we keep pushing, because, at the end of the day, the control only exists with the one person Right, and we can't go beyond that as much as we would like to. There's still some things that we're just not going to be able to grapple with because those things have to take care of themselves. Like to Mark's point, even to my point earlier, as a man you can't tell your kid that you're broken. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:We're not allowed to be that vulnerable?
Speaker 1:No, especially in the time that we're talking yeah, so we're not allowed to be that vulnerable.
Speaker 2:No, especially in the time that we're talking Okay, now it's much more acceptable to be that way, right, but then, yeah, yeah, it just wasn't going to happen. And it's sad because we don't get to see that vulnerability and we don't or we didn't get to get that understanding. But, just like I said, it's still things now that we still got to deal with that. We don't have answers. Oh yeah, hands down.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And yeah.
Speaker 1:I think if I could do, if I could go back and ask him one question, that would be my question why were we for you I don't even know if try harder is the right word, but why were we not enough for you to make that extra effort to build a life for us? And here's the part I skipped right. My dad was good enough at baseball. He had a chance to go pro, right. Something happened and I still don't know what happened. I think my grandma, his mom, passed away.
Speaker 3:That's what I'm saying. There's something there that's missing.
Speaker 1:Something did happen and he went back to West Virginia. But again, why were we not enough? That would be my question. For you, that's a fair question, yeah, so as you think back on you and your dad's relationship, what would be that one question that you would want to?
Speaker 3:ask him, if I want to be selfish why you couldn't get that lifestyle and realize I am your twin. To this day I still meet his friends and they call me him. Yeah, I would ask him, man, what is it that this lifestyle attracted you that much that you and that's not fair to say it, I'm not saying it, it I'm not articulating it the right way, but I just don't think he thought enough about his kids, because I have, you know, I got siblings that I met later on. It's just my opinion sometimes that you know that lifestyle was that much better that you would rather risk all that and spend time with that. And, like I said, I know it's not a fair question, but it's my, I think it is a fair question.
Speaker 3:It's my young self, you know.
Speaker 1:No man, I think you are. I think you're trying to look at it with rose-colored glasses, maybe because he's gone, but I do think that is a fair question right and it's similar to the question I'm asking. But yeah, what is it about that Out here running streets? Because it would be one thing if you're doing it because you're trying to take care of your family. You didn't have opportunities, so something led you to that.
Speaker 3:But at some point in time and again, I would probably too. My mom shared with me later she was trying to finish school and he just didn't want to be supportive. And I'm like, why would you not want to be supportive of that? But again, different times, you know, and the 70s, like we say, man, you know, I even think about my granddad.
Speaker 2:My granddad was off the chain.
Speaker 3:He was a great looking I mean a great looking man. The women were something you know. So, um, you know my grandma at home and running the streets, but just need to hear their idea I'd understand.
Speaker 1:But, stu, you still have the opportunity to do this, but what question would you go back and ask your pops?
Speaker 2:I don't have any Because, to your point, I do have them. So if I didn't have some understanding about something that took place, I've already gotten it. So again, I'm fortunate in that regard because he's still here and our relationship is still developing. It's still growing. I learned something today that I didn't know about my pop, like from Saturday we went to my sister's birthday yeah, her birthday party. I was trying to be in full costume and walked in with a cane. My pop thought I was really hurt. He was mad.
Speaker 3:Because you hadn't told him Exactly.
Speaker 2:He was like yeah, and this is what they go there ain't no something wrong with Stuart's leg. She was like ain't nothing wrong with his leg. I said, dad, I was just trying to be in full costume. He was like man, I was going to go off. I was like dang Pop, just chill out, man, just chill out. But no, I don't have anything. You know tough conversations that I needed to have with Pops and I had it's a blessing.
Speaker 3:It is, it is.
Speaker 2:Oh, trust me, I know and I don't take it for granted.
Speaker 1:And I do think that's one of the other blessings that have come out of this, these past relationships and I know, with you and your girls and with Naya and hell, even your girls we talk about everything. There is nothing that's off topic. There is. You know, when I see somebody else in the family fucking up, I made sure from the time Nya was a little kid that she saw it all. It wasn't hiding nothing, it wasn't sugar coating situations. You will know about life before you leave this house.
Speaker 2:That's right, and you know it's not, but you know the thing too. Not to cut you off, but if you didn't get in front of it it was going to be introduced to her anyway. Anyway, because the way they come up with social media and all the outlets that they have, I'm glad I wasn't a product of that era we couldn't have been a part of it? I wouldn't be here If we came up that era.
Speaker 3:We couldn't have been a part of it.
Speaker 2:I wouldn't be here If we came up that way, but just to drop it into the 80s and 90s there's no way Too many skeletons.
Speaker 3:There's no way.
Speaker 2:Like no way I would have been pictured. Is this your guy? Like no way I would have been pictured.
Speaker 1:Is this your guy? Or how he keeps saying get your boy, Get your boy Get your boy.
Speaker 2:That's how no tears, no stories. Get your boy, you better get your boy Exactly.
Speaker 1:All right. So you know this has been a great conversation and I I really appreciate the space that we have created here. But kind of to transition a little bit, did you have a question of the week this week?
Speaker 2:Actually I didn't. Okay, I didn't because I was just dialed in on what I knew the subject matter to be.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so Well, okay. So then we'll move into Mark's philosophy.
Speaker 3:What you got for us. I got some things for you and it's funny you guys was all up in my stuff. Are you a philosopher? Yes, got some things for you and it's funny you guys was all up in my stuff. Are you a philosopher? Yes, I think very deeply. Anyway, just to kind of sum up, a lot of what we talked about today, had to kind of write it down because this was again so hard?
Speaker 2:Did you write it down, or did you kind of write it down? I wrote it down and before we got here, I just wish we would all eliminate that from our vocabulary.
Speaker 3:Oh, you're right, because we don't kind of do nothing, we either do it, oh, we don't.
Speaker 2:All right, great talk, you're done. My bad, all right, either way, my bad, I'm done. I'm done. Or, in your case, Sexy vanilla.
Speaker 3:This is what I deal with constantly. All All right. So it's just some tips, just some things, that kind of recap what we're talking about here, and, as fathers, it's important to be present. We have to be present in the moment, in our kids' fives and so forth. Listening is important, that we need to do. These are just some things that I have written down.
Speaker 3:Being consistent Be consistent in everything you do, that's important. I want to make sure we do that, even for single fathers. You know, fight to be in your kid's life. I don't. You know, fight Moms, figure it out. You know it's not fair to the kid. And you know one of the things I had here too pride. Pride kills us all as men. We have to learn to break through that shell these days. Not how we grew up, you know, and it's important to give ourselves grace. We ain't perfect, you know, and I just think we need to hear that mean perfect, and I just think we need to hear that when you're dealing with all the stuff that we talked about today. If it's tough for you guess what's out there now people, therapists, they're okay to talk to, that's a taboo word. But go talk to somebody.
Speaker 2:Less, so now.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it is You're right, but in the black community it's still kind of a little.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I just said less.
Speaker 3:so I didn't say it's not completely. It's still taboo, but again, those are some things I had.
Speaker 1:I do want to go back and touch on one of these points because I think it's especially for young fathers and young people in general. I don't think they understand what it means to be present, and this is something that just comes with life and living and you grow as a person, as a human being. Grow as a person, as a human being, being present in someone's life doesn't mean, you're just sitting on the couch in the same house. That's right. That means you're there. That doesn't mean you're present in your child's life.
Speaker 1:It means, and it's not just going to a performance or just going to watch their game, right you?
Speaker 1:have to be active and actively engaged with your kid. You've got to know what's going on in their lives. You have to have conversations with them, even teenage girls. When they get into moods and some of them of them, they get in that quiet, moody teenager space. I don't care. You still have to be present and be actively engaged in their lives because those years I'm telling you I make this comment all the time that my daughter was born three weeks ago that is a real thing. Your child will be gone before you know it and the way you interact with them today is going to shape how you will interact with them as adults and they're going to carry that into their relationships.
Speaker 1:Be, actively engaged and present in your kids' life.
Speaker 3:And another way to say that is invest in your kids and, of course, the obvious things. Remember, kids are like sponges, man. They watch everything, we do Everything, and you are building a foundation. They are building a foundation rather than watching you lay on the couch, do nothing. You know, those are things. Like Stuart said, from a young age he saw his father working hard to make sure things were done in the household. Makes a difference, so take that, enjoy, take that. It makes a difference. So take that, enjoy, take that. Take that, take that, take that. Hope you enjoyed that a little bit.
Speaker 2:Don't do it like Puff though.
Speaker 1:That's right. So please don't do it like that. Oh my God.
Speaker 3:I hate to hear Wow.
Speaker 1:So, as we wind down and get ready to wrap up, for those people that still have an opportunity to have a relationship with your father, your father figure or someone else in your life, I would say take steps to start working on those relationships. I do regret that I took so long that I missed an opportunity to see what would happen. It was still no guarantee that we were going to get there. It was no guarantee that we would build a relationship, but it would have been a guarantee that my daughter would have known her grandfather and I regret that I did not make that happen.
Speaker 1:So, don't wait until it's too late to start building and repairing those relationships. Any other parting words or advice you got?
Speaker 2:No, just to add on to that, tomorrow's not promised to any of us To any of us, any of us.
Speaker 3:Don't wait. Life's too short for that.
Speaker 1:And with that, that's another episode of the hey Unc Podcast. Thank you for investing your time in listening. We appreciate it. If you have any comments, questions, you want to continue the conversation, you can hit us up on all our social media sites. At hey Unc Podcast, We'd love to engage with you Until next time. Peace with you. Until next time. Peace. You excited about what.
